DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR... ?
After 20 years of marriage, and three children now grown up and gone, Sarah and Bill Thompson could hardly believe there was a time when they were madly in love and committed to each other -- and committed to their marriage.
The heat and passion had disappeared years ago, just when things cooled off neither of them could exactly remember. For years, their relationship had been on cruise control. They weren't especially happy, but they weren't especially miserable either. But somewhere along the line, all bedroom activity had ceased. Neither Bill nor Sarah could remember the last time they made love, but it had been many months, if not a year or more.
Even that, believe it or not, wasn't all that bad until the other problems started slowly creeping up. Bill rarely came directly home from his job as a construction worker. Instead, he'd go to a bar with his co-workers and buddies, and more often than not, his after-work beer turned into an all evening jaunt. Bill would come stumbling home at 1 or 2 in the morning, and go straight to bed with scarcely a mumble of greeting for Sarah. Most of the time she wouldn't have been awake to hear it anyway. By that time she was fast asleep, alone in their bed.
In the morning, they bickered.
Sarah: Why do you have to stay out drinking with your friends every other night while I stay home with nothing to do and nobody to talk to?
Bill: What do you mean? You're always yakking with one of your friends on the telephone, running up a $300-a-month phone bill, or out shopping all the time, spending all the money I earn
Sarah: If you were home I wouldn't have to call people just to hear another human voice! Since the kids left for college, I've got nobody to interact with at all. Sometimes I have to get out of the house, or I'd go crazy
Bill: You say that, but when I do come home early, all you do is bitch and gripe at me about every possible thing under the sun. Why should I come home just to listen to put up with crap like that? Why don't you get a full-time job like mine if you have nothing to do. Maybe then we wouldn't be behind on all our payments all the time
Sarah: How can I get a full-time job when you expect me to cook and clean for you 24-hours a day. And I wouldn't have to bitch at you if you'd do the things your supposed to be doing without me telling you or reminding you all the time
Bill: Like what
Sarah: Like you don't know! When's the last time you called one of the kids to ask how they're doing? If they didn't make the effort to call you, you wouldn't even know they exist. The garage door has been broken for a month, and you never do anything about it. You never touch me, you never ask me to go anywhere, you don't even pay attention to me. You stare at the TV. I could just as well be a stick of furniture for all you care...
And it would usually go down hill from there.
Sarah had gained a lot of weight in the past couple of years. She felt unattractive, which only made Bill see her as more and more unattractive. Sarah used food as a substitute for sex and closeness. Food was comfort to her -- if she couldn't get it from Bill, she stuffed her face, even when she wasn't hungry. Bill drank more and more. Sarah also constantly suspected him of having an affair -- maybe he wasn't just in the bar with his guy pals?
Money was also a constant problem. Bill made a good income and Sarah worked part-time, but getting the kids through college had kept them broke for almost 10 years. And then there was the mortgage, the car payments, Sarah's binge spending and eating when Bill was in the bar drinking.
Worst of all, neither of them could communicate about their problems. They didn't have the energy to sit down with each other and discuss how to make things better. More and more, divorce seemed to be the only way out of this marriage, which had become a slow, daily nightmare.
Yet, deep down inside, and even though they were miserable together, both Bill and Sarah carried the memories of their many happy years together. The first 10 years of their marriage had been a torrent of love -- both in and out of the bed. They had good kids they both loved more than anything. They did things together as a family. Bill and Sarah had survived a lot of hard times together, and they always seemed to count on their love and marriage to pull them through the tough time -- and it had always worked.
But now everything was different. It seemed an unfamiliar world. They both seemed to be totally different people from the one either of them married. Their marriage seemed terminally out of energy. Neither Bill nor Sarah could work up the gumption to do what they needed to do to rekindle their romance, to rediscover one another, to get together and plan a budget, to make simple time to be with each other, even to just do nothing -- but do it together.
At this point, even though a divorce would have been difficult, it seemed infinitely easier than trying to save this malfunctioning marriage.
Does all this sound familiar -- maybe not in every detail -- but more or less where you find yourself today?
You are not alone.
In year 2001, almost two million people in the United States divorced, 957,200 couples to be exact. There were 2,355,005 marriages.
It wasn't much better in 1999, when 944,317 couples divorced, and 947,384 couples divorced in 1998.
This makes for a divorce rate of 43%, although the U.S. Census bureau puts the divorce rate at 50% The difference is a matter of statistical bickering, but it hardly matters. The fact that about half of all marriages end in a divorce is a stunning and sobering figure. At times, the divorce rate in the United States has topped a whopping 60%!
Its no wonder that more and more people are becoming cynical about the institution of marriage, with many couples opting for Living together rather than legally tying the knot.
This epidemic of divorce has also made it easier for more married couples to choose the same easy way out, rather than stick with partners and work things out. And that's the real tragedy -- because the vast majority of times -- divorce is not the answer.
